my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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