Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
