xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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