I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
