so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
