I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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