Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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