I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
