how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
