They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
