We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
