I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
