Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
