Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
