gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
