Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Text me some of your sweat
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
