They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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