I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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