He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
