Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My room smells like vodka and shame
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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