dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
