i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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