dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
