My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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