Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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