im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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