I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
