rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
