Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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