Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
