the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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