if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
