Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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