she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
