John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
