Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
did i just pee glitter
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
