Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
