I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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