i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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