dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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