I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
