If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
