You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
