I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
