her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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