Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
