I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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