I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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