I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
