Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
